365Ways-004 How To Have a Great Relationship

Posted on : 01-05-2012 | By : Lynn | In : Communication, Heart Talks

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First YOU have to define what “great” means to YOU which may seem rather basic but it’s surprising how many of us don’t really know ourselves well enough to define what a concept like great means to us.  For me, having a great relationship means interacting with someone who I really enjoy and who I feel comfortable just being myself AND who lights up my lights!

Through the years, I’ve shared about the early days of dating my husband (we’ve been married for 20 years!) in that I was so out of touch with understanding who I was, much less liking myself, that I had no concept of what it meant to be “real” in a relationship.  I had spent all of my twenties reading numerous glamor magazines that supposedly had the goods on “how to get your man” and none on how to just be yourself and attract a better match the natural way.  I definitely enjoyed being chased and chasing too  but had no clue as to what to do with the guy once I “caught” them. In fact, looking back on those times I’ve realized that I usually attracted someone incompatible with my values and world views because who I was projecting to them was some figment of my imagination and not who I really was.  Those magazines really didn’t make that point clear.  I call those days the “catch and burn” time.

Fortunately, during the time period when I first met my husband I was diligently studying the 12-steps of AA and applying them to how I thought and acted. I was learning how I thought and felt and what I believed as well as how I showed up in life and how to treat others (as well as myself).  One of the traits that I embraced was honesty so that meant that when my honey and I interacted, I was invested in being as honest about who I was as I was able.  This was a time of many “firsts” for me from holding back and not pouncing on my husband right off the bat to learning how to surf the myriad of intense feelings upon meeting someone I was really attracted to and allowing time to really get to know each other.

After a few months of dating I knew that he was the one and was constantly turning over the outcome of whether we would end up together for the long haul to my higher power (who I choose to call God).  During that intense first year together, it kind of freaked me out when the more I was true to myself, the more he seemed to like me.  That just didn’t compute with what I had taught myself about how a girl should be to attract the perfect guy.  Who ever thought I’d meet someone who was as tired as I was after working all week at an intense job and all they wanted to do was watch good television and chow down on a pizza?!

I’m convinced that to have a great relationship you first have to be in the relationship.  You have to know and like yourself well enough to show up as the beautiful YOU that you are.  As my good friend and mentor used to tell me, “Lynn, life is hard enough to deal with in a good relationship so don’t settle for anything less”.   I’ve come to know how right she was!  Life is a curve ball thrower for sure and I can’t imagine anything suckier than to have some really crappy life occurrence happen and to be in a relationship that you’re already have to work really hard at just to keep it at neutral.

What attracted you to this blog?  Are you looking for clues on how to have (or find) a great relationship?  What’s been your experience in this area? Curious minds and hearts want to know!

DINK #170 I Mean, Who Are You Really?

Posted on : 06-09-2010 | By : Lynn | In : Uncategorized

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Today I had a conversation with a very good friend, who I’ve known for twenty years. She said she was having a sort of identity crisis that got kicked off when meeting some new people in a high-powered public setting and they asked what she did and since she was project less at the moment, she became tongue-tied and they moved on politely to the next person. Now, I am sure that this particular friend is just super sensitive to what all is going on with the planets right now (don’t ask me, look up my friend the astrologer Laura Waldman for insight at www.laurawaldmanastrology.com).

But I noticed that when my friend described a couple of reactions that she has had from some high-powered women, I felt really sad. I felt sad that those women did not have the awareness to realize what an incredibly special woman was standing before them. I felt sad that even in the year 2010, we humans still seem to be so focused on WHAT WE DO and not on WHO WE ARE.

This friend of mine has been such an important spiritual teacher to me through all kinds of thick and thin that I’ve been through over the last twenty years (and that’s in more ways than one!), she has a deep knowledge about life, about God, about animals and plants and if all that isn’t enough there have been delicious moments in our friendship when she makes me feel like I am about 8 years old—especially when we giggle so much I fear that I will pee in my pants! I am so grateful that I have the capacity to be aware of so many special people who are in my life today. Sometimes I feel like I must be in the center of an overflowing waterfall of lovely people. Real people. People who would be there for me (and have been there for me) when the rubber hits the road and the mud is flying all over the place.

These kind of people all around there for you too. It’s all about how deeply you’re willing to pay attention. How many more stories, fables or morals will we have to hear before we get it that WHAT WE DO is NOT WHO WE ARE? Sure, it’s great if you can run a multi-million dollar company, but I think it’s more important when you can enjoy the people you meet along the way because of whom they are and who you are, not because of what they can do for you.

I was thinking today of a friend that I’d become connected to on Facebook who is a fellow Coach and has gone through the same Coach Retreat training as I have. As I was thinking of this person and some other friends that I’ve gotten to know on FB, I had a warm glow in my heart for them because of how loving and sweet and caring they’ve been to me with absolutely no hope of gain from me other than my friendship. What is more important than that?

Believe me, if someone like me who can be one of the most skeptical people on this planet when it comes to other people can recognize the beauty within so many people and feel a genuine love for them I just know that you can as well. Do I really get angry at human actions and thoughts sometime? Oh, you know I do. Do I feel disappointed in human beings sometimes, of course I do. But if you think about it, statistically, out of billions and billions of people on this planet the odds are that there must be quite a large number of pretty amazing people out there for us to notice and enjoy. At least, that’s where I prefer to put my attention.

Who are you really? Follow your heart, it will always tell you the truth.

Love you!