Oy vey!  From the time I was a little girl I’ve always pined to be the center of attention. On my mom’s side of the family, there is a story that is told of when I was four years old and my grandparents took me to the San Diego Zoo. Evidently I got up on some little stage they had there and entertained some of the crowd spontaneously.  I suppose that having white-blonde curly hair and brown eyes helped with my need for attention but as the years waxed on I am sure that my need got a bit tiresome.

And then there’s this pact that I must have made with my higher power before I came down to Earth to be human when I must have agreed to be set straight as soon as the powers-that-be deemed it necessary. Some might call it Karma or Dharma but for me it’s just life.  Take for instance the fact that I’ve been on all the major television stations in Austin but never once did anyone “discover” me. In fact, on one of those occasions many years ago, I was asked by my Consumer Credit Counselor if I would be willing to be interviewed on camera about how CCC was helping me.  You know that I went out immediately and bought a $300 suit, right?  I just knew that a swarm of agents would be watching the mid-day show and catch me on camera and have to know “who is that girl??”  Later that evening, a friend who I had a not so secret crush on invited a group of us over to his apartment to catch the recorded show.  I was thrilled.  Not only would I get discovered by the media but I would also impress my friend?!?  Little did I realize that the “anonymous” tag line that the show had put in big block letters under my face each time I showed on camera said, “Recovering Compulsive Spender”. The first time my friend saw that he rolled over on his back howling.  Never was discovered either.

Fast-forward a bazillion years and I find myself once again with the opportunity to appear on camera. Only this time it is as the sidekick for a friend of mine’s show.  I thought that would be okay until months into it, I realized that I pretty much did not have a chance of being discovered at all. In fact, I had been cast into the role of “crew”.  Not that there is anything the matter with being part of the crew but when you’re a frustrated Diva, it is a big pill to swallow.  There have been some pretty funny awakenings for me around this whole situation because once again my ego has been bigger than the reality of what was going on.

It’s a fine line I walk between reality and hope.  Imagining what “could be” in the future has helped me make it through many a trying time but at the same time there have been many times when the reality of “what is” was a bigger let down because of where my hopeful imagination had taken me.  It’s good to visualize and look ahead but it’s also good for me to stay as grounded in today as I can so that I can pay better attention to what my actions are telling me rather than where my mind (ego) wants to take me.

I’m getting to that place in my life where it’s not so important for me to be the center of attention; actually, sometimes it is downright uncomfortable.  Today I’m more apt to pull other people into the center with me so that we can dance together and enjoy the music.  That feels a whole lot cleaner and helps me get to the real nuggets of what my unmet needs are such as acknowledgment and respect and love.  I’m not saying that if a television crew pulled up to me on the street to ask me a “gal on the street” question that I wouldn’t be secretly hoping that it could bring more but at least today I’m really happy with the kind of attention that I’m attracting from people who I care about and who I know care about me.

What about you?  Where does your ego show up in your life and is it kept in check?