The first song that came on the IPOD Shuffle when I got into the car this evening was my favorite Tears for Fears song, “Badman’s Song” (http://www.lyricsdownload.com/tears-for-fears-badman-s-song-lyrics.html) I love the music but the lyrics are what get me. Part of them go:

In my head there is a mirror
When I’ve been bad, I’ve been wrong
Food for the saints that are quick to judge me
Hope for a Badman
This is the Badman’s Song

I had just gotten out of a meeting where I shared my story about how I had used various substances/things/people in my life to keep me from feeling my feelings and hoping that I could numb out the fear. The consequences of the abuse was years of crazy erratic behavior and total absorption on the pimple on my own face and the inability to ever think beyond my own front door.

This part of the song says best how I feel what I can do today by sharing my experience, strength and hope is:

I will shine a blinding light
Through those hearts as black as night
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But as least the seeds of love will be sown

After years of trying to right my own boat that had been adrift for such a long time, I can forget that there are people out there who may be wrestling with their own version of the heart of darkness in various forms that addiction can take and my hope will always be that in the sharing of overcoming my struggles that others will realize they can do this as well. As a mentor used to tell me a long time ago, “Denial isn’t a river in Egypt”. Denial can be like a little fungus that when light shines on it, it dies down but the minute we put ourselves back into the dark it will pop back up again.

One of my friends shares this tool that helps her when her mind gets all twisted up about whatever is going on in her life and that is she asks herself “what is the truth right now?”. That’s such a great sentence to ask ourselves because it just cuts right through any drama/trauma we might want to throw out there to create a diversion from feelings. We can simply stop and take a breath and answer whatever the truth is right in the moment.

What is my truth right now? That really I’m very happy just being me right here, right now with a fever blister healing on my lip and an episode of Fringe on my husband’s IPAD waiting for us to watch before we go to sleep.

We may not become millionaires over sharing our stories and spreading hope, we may not cure cancer, we may not even stop hunger but at least the seeds of love will be sown.