RB005 Love and Happiness

Posted on : 05-03-2014 | By : Lynn | In : Baby Boomer, Communication, Heart Talks

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It’s a wonder any of us ever actually choose to get married, much less decide that we’re in love with another person and want to have a relationship with them.  Let’s face it, according to a  2011 Pew Research marriage survey, marriage is at an all time low in America at 51% of adults getting married. Pew goes on to say that,   Having a successful marriage is “one of the most important things” in life for 36% of adults, according to a 2011 Pew Research survey. An additional 48% said it is “very important but not the most” important.”

Later this afternoon, I’ll be interviewing Marcia “Naomi” Berger who is known globally as the Marriage Maven, about her latest book, “Marriage Meetings for lasting love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted” on BTR’s Hope42Day.    When the publicist first sent me Naomi’s book I was at once interested to have a guest who could offer tools to my listeners about having a good marriage but also hesitant because “I’ve already been there and done that…hasn’t everybody?”

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But, no, not all of us have created a vehicle that cultivates and supports a loving marriage for the long haul. That’s why many of us are still Googling to find the answers and why my friend and fellow web radio host Psychic Tee has a clamoring of listeners calling in to her shows, especially when she offers advice and readings about love and marriage.

For the record, there should be a special award given to my husband for sticking it out with me as we muddled through the first decade of our marriage.  Along the way we learned to remember not to take each other for granted and not to throw things at each other (physically or verbally).  24 years later, we have found lots of ways to enjoy each other and be grateful for our time.  Thankfully, we’ve always seemed to find ways to make each other laugh. For example, I wish I could secretly take a video of David dancing to the theme song from the TV Show Castle (which he does every time we watch it and makes me laugh every time) but you’ll just have to click on the hyperlinked Castle and imagine it for yourself.

Listen to what Marriage Maven Naomi Berger has to say about Marriage Meetings  and keep in mind, all good things come to those with patience and the willingness to work on themselves!

 

126-o

 

 

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NEXT014 How To Not Take Your Marriage For Granted

Posted on : 07-06-2011 | By : Lynn | In : Communication, Heart Talks

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If you’re in a committed relationship (whether married or living together) do you ever take what you have for granted?  I’m pretty sure divorce statistics out there will show that many of us do take our marriage/relationship for granted.   After 21 years of being with my husband and 19 years of marriage, I can tell you today I am more grateful and aware of  what we have together then I certainly was the first 5 or so years of our marriage.  Nothing brings this to the forefront of my awareness more than to watch other couples in action.  Today I will give you a few tips that have helped me not take my marriage/husband for granted.  Add, delete, amend as best fits your relationship!  Your comments/wisdom is encouraged!

This summer I’m taking the dreaded required “College Math” class. Luckily for me, pretty much every student taking this class is in the same boat.   Going on week three most of us are already behind on our homework, haven’t studied for our first exam and haven’t even begun to think about the project that is due by the end of the semester. Such conditions make for instant friendships when “in-class” quizzes are assigned.  Consequently, I’m getting to know my row-mate, the couple in front of me, the guy who sits across the aisle from me and the gal who sits in the row behind me.  You can tell the young couple sitting in front loves each other, but the bloom is definitely fading and so they swing barbs at each other when one of them doesn’t get an answer correctly or figures out a problem as fast as the other one.  This prompted my row-mate and I to ask them if they were married (yes) and then how long (year 3).   I shared with them that the first three years of our marriage have definitely been the toughest for us thus far.

Some of the reasons I took my marriage for granted:

1.) Basic immaturity and not understanding intimacy

2.) Not realizing that in my past relationships,  I had confused the state of  “limerence” with being “in love”

3.) See #1 above

4.) Fear. Fear. Fear

5.) Discovering that in the midst of the “run away” recording that I would play in my head over and over again if a relationship went too long that I actually had a very monogamous value system buried inside me when it came to marriage. I couldn’t and wouldn’t run away but I sure didn’t like where I was at!

Some of the tips we’ve figured out along the way to help us not take our marriage for granted:

1.) No cursing at each other.  Treating each other with respect is key.  I wouldn’t curse at my Starbucks’ Barista so why would I curse at the man/woman I love?

2.) No yelling (especially curse words!)  When we first began this, when I found myself wanting to yell I would simply open up my mouth and let out sound (very similar to toning)…it expressed my overwhelming feelings, gave me time to figure out what I was feeling so that I could talk about it and prevented me from  damaging our relationship with the swords of words.  Of course, after a few times of this one or both of us would end up in laughing fits.  Think of Monty Python without the hats.

3.) Came to believe that my husband really did love me and actually looked out for my best interest. We were not in court and disagreements were not trials.

4.) Try to discover new things each day that I can be grateful for regarding my husband and our marriage.  I usually can find more than two. Now does this mean that I never see his faults? Absolutely not. But it tempers the natural flow of my judgmental mind.

5.)  A few years ago, I interviewed an author Saundra Pelletier about her book, “Saddle Up Your Own White Horse” and I’ll never forget one piece of advice she gave about her happy marriage: “have sex at least three times a week”.  Now obviously the amount changes per need and comfort of each couple but I was really grateful to hear someone throwing a number out there with such confidence. Two years later, heeding her advice has worked out very well for us.

The list goes on and on.  I don’t know about you, but I love to “interview” couples in my world who have been together for awhile and are happy.  How the heck have they done it?  What is their secret?  What words of wisdom do they have?  It’s a dog eat dog eat cat eat mouse eat veggie world out there today and many of us are having a helluva time just keeping our heads above water much less paying attention to creating a happy relationship BUT paying attention to having a healthy relationship is one of THE most important aspects of our lives that we can give our attention.  For those who are single, paying attention to the relationship you have with yourself, your higher power, your family, your friends, your coworkers and other people in general is also one of the (if not “the”) most important aspects that you can focus on.

When I think of how uncomfortable my home life used to be, I understand better why some countries do not get along with each other.  If we can’t get along with the people we’ve agreed to love then how can we expect ourselves to attempt to get along with those we don’t like?

Turns out that a marriage is like being inside of an oyster. There’s all kinds of things that are going to flow into and out of the cocoon of your relationship, how you handle yourself is the difference between creating a pearl or ending up with wet and smelly sand.  The choice is yours….

 

 

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Blog #68 Inconceivable!

Posted on : 28-05-2010 | By : Lynn | In : Uncategorized

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(written previously for my anniversary!)

On May 24, 2010, my husband and I will have been married 18 years (and celebrating 20 years of togetherness in October!). To the Lynn of a few decades ago, being part of a successful relationship for this length of time is, well, “inconceivable”!

One of my favorite movies is “The Princess Bride” and one of my favorite characters of the Princess Bride is Vizzini who uses many big words, but not necessarily correctly, like “inconceivable!” (http://www.imdb.com/character/ch0003791/quotes). I share this with you because when I say or think the word inconceivable, I now always hear it through the voice of Vizzini.

I shared in a previous blog about the book that I’ve almost finished reading by therapists/authors/lecturers’ Charlie and Linda Bloom called “Secrets of Great Marriages” in preparation for my interview of them (blogtalkradio.com/Hope42day) on Tuesday at 2pm CST. Evidently, they interviewed hundreds of couples from across the U.S. and winnowed the interviews down to a handful to share in their book. I think all of them have been married for at least 30 years. Anyway, it’s been thought provoking for me to read these couples’ stories and see where my husband and I are similar yet different.

I particularly enjoyed reading about one “power” couple who were/are both considered beautiful/handsome, powerful/successful and never lacking for attention. Well, when they found each other–they knew that each of them was “the one” for the other. One of the little “scenes” from their courtship they shared was on one of their first dates when they went to an art museum and the woman suggested to the man that they “act” out the paintings, which they proceeded to do all throughout the museum.

Welllllll, David and I do stuff like that to (I know that’s really hard for some of you to fathom!). We are fond of telling other couples (okay! Pretty much anyone who will listen to us!) that our first years of marriage were very tumultuous at best! Neither one of us had been in any kind of a committed relationship like marriage before and both of us are very strong-willed and, sometimes (cough-cough) pig-headed! But one thing we did manage to squeak into our days was spontaneous play….and in the weirdest ways too. Like the time we were driving around doing errands and some really boofy-do kind of jazzy hip hoppy song came on and we started doing the head bobbing thing to the rhythm of it and then I don’t recall which one of us began it, but we started doing this synchronized-devo-esque-movement where we’d bop our heads in the same timing and then instantly turn to the right and continue bobbing, and then look to the left and continue bobbing and the straight ahead, changing our perspective in time to the beat until the song was over. We laughed so hard when it was over because I’m sure that we looked very bizarre to anyone witnessing our choreography at the stop lights.

In this book, there were several themes that seem to run through every couples marriages such as trust and respect. And I would add, at least for us, the ability to play and laugh with each other. I can be one of the hugest dorks on the planet as well my husband, and so I’m grateful that the person that I’ve chosen to be in a committed relationship with is someone that I can be comfortable with being silly….even when there are times when he will do things like spring up out of bed when we’re reading and go do something in the computer and then prance back into the room with his jockey shorts up to his navel and in his best Ed Grimly voice ask me how I like his new look.

May you have many such moments in your relationship where the only correct thing to say about it is “inconceivable”!

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