NEXT050 In To Me See

Posted on : 04-09-2011 | By : Lynn | In : Heart Talks

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Get it? In to me see? Intimacy?  I’ve written about intimacy before, but I guess I’m spiraling around for another look at it again after spending the evening with some of our best friends playing Rummikub all the while laughing, singing and generally cutting up AND we’re all going to be spending 8 days together in a short while and still wanted to spend this time together.  Boy have I come a long way.  There was a time when being around someone or a group of friends, no matter how much I liked them, would make me really uncomfortable.  Those were the days before therapy, 12-step programs and general cleaning-out-the-closets of the ghosts in my mind. I had no concept really of how to set any kind of a boundary, inside or outside.

No wonder intimacy was so scary to me and can be to others as well when you don’t know how to set a boundary with yourself whether it’s actions you take or things you say or don’t say—-that can build up a thick shield of protection against the world.  It’s equally as hurtful when you don’t know how to set a boundary with others, such as if someone said something hurtful to you and you didn’t know how to identify your feelings (hurt, disappointed, angry, afraid) or how to set a boundary (you cannot talk to me that way, in that tone, using those words).

The world can be a really scary forbidding place when you allow yourself to bing off of other people.  No wonder many of us turn to isolation so that we don’t have to feel the pain of interacting with others?  I can tell you though, that when you learn how to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who care about you then your perspective of how the whole world is and can be does shift.  When you live in a dark sparking red tunnel with lot’s of pain it’s hard to envision a world of soft feelings and fun, but it is out there.

As with all things, the first place to start is within ourselves.  We have to learn to listen to how we are feeling and not judge it (such as “I shouldn’t be feeling that way!”).  Then we can take the next step to understanding what we need to do or have to take care of ourselves better. Slowly we begin to build (or rebuild) the trust within ourselves. Once we trust ourselves then we can trust the choices we make in the people we interact with and know how to take care of setting boundaries on the inside as well as the outside.

In to me see.  What do you see in yourself?

 

Unlocking your heart - intimacy

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NEXT027 Staying In the Game

Posted on : 11-08-2011 | By : Lynn | In : Career Stuff

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There are so many ways that you can apply the advice to stay in the game from literally staying in a game you’re playing, like softball/baseball, instead of giving up when things aren’t going your way to staying in the game of life, when right now many are effected by the economy and for people who live in Texas, we’re experiencing a really horrific drought as well as many days of 100+ degree heat.  For this blog though, I am referring to staying in the game of allowing the intimacy of a relationship (friend, lovers, spouses, family) to unfold.

Isn’t staying in the game of intimacy with each other really what “it” is all about anyway?

This morning I had a very interesting conversation with a mentor/friend about a subject that I hold close to my heart.  Almost from the very start of the conversation, my friend seemed to misunderstand where I was coming from and kept warning me to be careful in regards to what I was talking about which immediately put me on the defense.  We went back and forth this way for about ten minutes.  A very, very uncomfortable ten minutes.  After all, we’re both grownups and have done a lot of emotional/mental and spiritual work on ourselves so it was better to hang in there with each other and let the trust and safety of our eleven year friendship navigate us through the mine fields.  Somehow we got through to the edge of being very real about what was going on from my friend looking at how our conversation had unfolded and how I felt unsafe to share when really when someone gets on the defense as I had, what they’re really wanting is acknowledgment from the heart.  And we were both able to share honestly about how we grew up learning how to crawl up in our heads and think through something when we were afraid. God forbid we would ever allow ourselves to feel. I’d triggered fear in her.  By the end of the phone call we were both acknowledging each other and making amends.

There’s something very special about being willing (and able) to stay in the game in a situation like this when every corpuscle in your body may want to run to the farthest corners of the Earth.  Not only do you learn how to trust the person that you are in the game with, but you learn to trust yourself as well.

Imagine all kinds of boardrooms and offices which could hold the space for allowing people to stay in the game rather than figure out how to end the game so they can get the hell away from all that uncomfortable intimacy?  Much less marriages which could be richer, friendships sweeter, families united wherever people are in relationships with each other they can help each other grow by allowing for each person to be in process safely.  Process is messy, intimacy sometimes colors outside of the lines but it is possible to do both with your heart and head when you are receptive to it.

What game will you stay in today?

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DINK #220 When You Know That Intimacy “Thang” Is Working!

Posted on : 27-10-2010 | By : Lynn | In : Uncategorized

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This week I’ve been writing on a fearless and moral inventory of money and me. Oy vey.  I’ve inventoried myself about money many times in the past but this time I’m more able to really really look deep to see where the patterns are and where, when I insert myself, I see my contribution to all the steps that have taken me to where I am now.

One of the good realizations coming out of this money inventory is how grateful I am to be married to my husband. Once again I find myself in awe that we somehow stumbled upon each other 20 years ago and have stuck together in a more than pretty decent relationship.  I told him today at dinner about some of the realizations that I’ve had about myself and money and how he sure didn’t realize what he was stepping into when he met me.  Then again, I didn’t know about him either so I guess we’re even but I’m glad we can both laugh about it now.

What’s nice about intimacy and when I can tell that it is working for me is when I can truly “see” how perfect it is that David and I are together.  Not to be cliché but we really are two sides of the same coin (my side is the head of course….).  I’ve always known some of the many talents and skills that my husband has but lately I’ve noticed how he has the same tendency as I do to dismiss what he has (that I surely think are rare compared to most) and almost treat his gifts cavalierly.  This thing that I can see in him so clearly now is something that I know that I have too. I don’t know which is more aggravating to see someone you love not realize their own special gifts or to see it in yourself.  Whatever the case may be, whatever forces brought us together sure knew what it was doing. I don’t think it was random chaotic events happening when we forged alliances but it really does amaze me that it happened nevertheless.  One thing we told each other from the beginning is that we never wanted to take each other for granted and so far I think we’ve done a fairly good job of it.

Trust me our lives together have definitely not been tripping the light fantastic one hundred percent, but we both have had the same intention to learn how to get out of our own way so that we could create a special relationship with each other.  Does my true love irritate the hell out of me sometimes? You know he does. As I do him.  I don’t think it is possible to be intimate with someone day in and day out for 20 years and not get irritated once in a while but the key is to know when to surf the storms and when to sit on the beach.

I believe we souls are circling each other all the time to find those combination of the Divine that we so dearly miss after being born into this life.  Sometimes we find those souls who help us to polish up and hone parts of ourselves that we might not ever bother to look at if otherwise not forced into it.  I’m grateful for those first years of our marriage, which were so very scary when my husband found out about my money issues, and I couldn’t keep them hidden under the bed any longer.

You know that intimacy “thang” is working for you when instead of attacking when the buttons get pushed you lean into it with open arms.

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