Posted on : 27-10-2010 | By : Lynn | In : Uncategorized
Tags: 4th step, fearless, intimacy, Moral Inventory
This week I’ve been writing on a fearless and moral inventory of money and me. Oy vey. I’ve inventoried myself about money many times in the past but this time I’m more able to really really look deep to see where the patterns are and where, when I insert myself, I see my contribution to all the steps that have taken me to where I am now.
One of the good realizations coming out of this money inventory is how grateful I am to be married to my husband. Once again I find myself in awe that we somehow stumbled upon each other 20 years ago and have stuck together in a more than pretty decent relationship. I told him today at dinner about some of the realizations that I’ve had about myself and money and how he sure didn’t realize what he was stepping into when he met me. Then again, I didn’t know about him either so I guess we’re even but I’m glad we can both laugh about it now.
What’s nice about intimacy and when I can tell that it is working for me is when I can truly “see” how perfect it is that David and I are together. Not to be cliché but we really are two sides of the same coin (my side is the head of course….). I’ve always known some of the many talents and skills that my husband has but lately I’ve noticed how he has the same tendency as I do to dismiss what he has (that I surely think are rare compared to most) and almost treat his gifts cavalierly. This thing that I can see in him so clearly now is something that I know that I have too. I don’t know which is more aggravating to see someone you love not realize their own special gifts or to see it in yourself. Whatever the case may be, whatever forces brought us together sure knew what it was doing. I don’t think it was random chaotic events happening when we forged alliances but it really does amaze me that it happened nevertheless. One thing we told each other from the beginning is that we never wanted to take each other for granted and so far I think we’ve done a fairly good job of it.
Trust me our lives together have definitely not been tripping the light fantastic one hundred percent, but we both have had the same intention to learn how to get out of our own way so that we could create a special relationship with each other. Does my true love irritate the hell out of me sometimes? You know he does. As I do him. I don’t think it is possible to be intimate with someone day in and day out for 20 years and not get irritated once in a while but the key is to know when to surf the storms and when to sit on the beach.
I believe we souls are circling each other all the time to find those combination of the Divine that we so dearly miss after being born into this life. Sometimes we find those souls who help us to polish up and hone parts of ourselves that we might not ever bother to look at if otherwise not forced into it. I’m grateful for those first years of our marriage, which were so very scary when my husband found out about my money issues, and I couldn’t keep them hidden under the bed any longer.
You know that intimacy “thang” is working for you when instead of attacking when the buttons get pushed you lean into it with open arms.