Posted on : 01-05-2012 | By : Lynn | In : Communication, Heart Talks
First YOU have to define what “great” means to YOU which may seem rather basic but it’s surprising how many of us don’t really know ourselves well enough to define what a concept like great means to us. For me, having a great relationship means interacting with someone who I really enjoy and who I feel comfortable just being myself AND who lights up my lights!
Through the years, I’ve shared about the early days of dating my husband (we’ve been married for 20 years!) in that I was so out of touch with understanding who I was, much less liking myself, that I had no concept of what it meant to be “real” in a relationship. I had spent all of my twenties reading numerous glamor magazines that supposedly had the goods on “how to get your man” and none on how to just be yourself and attract a better match the natural way. I definitely enjoyed being chased and chasing too but had no clue as to what to do with the guy once I “caught” them. In fact, looking back on those times I’ve realized that I usually attracted someone incompatible with my values and world views because who I was projecting to them was some figment of my imagination and not who I really was. Those magazines really didn’t make that point clear. I call those days the “catch and burn” time.
Fortunately, during the time period when I first met my husband I was diligently studying the 12-steps of AA and applying them to how I thought and acted. I was learning how I thought and felt and what I believed as well as how I showed up in life and how to treat others (as well as myself). One of the traits that I embraced was honesty so that meant that when my honey and I interacted, I was invested in being as honest about who I was as I was able. This was a time of many “firsts” for me from holding back and not pouncing on my husband right off the bat to learning how to surf the myriad of intense feelings upon meeting someone I was really attracted to and allowing time to really get to know each other.
After a few months of dating I knew that he was the one and was constantly turning over the outcome of whether we would end up together for the long haul to my higher power (who I choose to call God). During that intense first year together, it kind of freaked me out when the more I was true to myself, the more he seemed to like me. That just didn’t compute with what I had taught myself about how a girl should be to attract the perfect guy. Who ever thought I’d meet someone who was as tired as I was after working all week at an intense job and all they wanted to do was watch good television and chow down on a pizza?!
I’m convinced that to have a great relationship you first have to be in the relationship. You have to know and like yourself well enough to show up as the beautiful YOU that you are. As my good friend and mentor used to tell me, “Lynn, life is hard enough to deal with in a good relationship so don’t settle for anything less”. I’ve come to know how right she was! Life is a curve ball thrower for sure and I can’t imagine anything suckier than to have some really crappy life occurrence happen and to be in a relationship that you’re already have to work really hard at just to keep it at neutral.
What attracted you to this blog? Are you looking for clues on how to have (or find) a great relationship? What’s been your experience in this area? Curious minds and hearts want to know!