Ugh!  I love Vanity Fair Magazine because the articles are so well-written–even in this day and age of Laissez-Faire writing and publishing.  And I especially like the page that features a celebrity who has been asked questions such as:  “What trait do you deplore in others?” and “What characteristic do you deplore most in yourself?”

If I were to be asked those questions my answer would  be “codependency” .  It’s such an un-sexy trait whether you are the recipient or the giver.  Often such adjectives as “obsequious” and/or “passive” decorate its pathos as well.  A decade or so ago  I was introduced the the Enneagram concept and guided that as I reviewed the various types that I would know when I had landed on the type that was probably mine because I would NOT want to be that type. Of course, my “type” is Type 2 which is the Helper. And while I’m at it, I might as well admit that I’m the “dog” on the Chinese Calendar (which means I’m patient, diligent and kind) and that my blood type is O+, which is the most common blood type.

On the surface, all of these characteristics would seem like traits that I’ve been working towards for a long-time in my spiritual quest, and they are except for my blood type which is out of my control (in my awareness) it’s just that they are so normal, so homogeneous, so blase.  Or maybe they’re just the curd to the milk of my personality when left unattended.  Would HR the Dali Lama be codependent if he weren’t  self-realized?  Was Mother Teresa a Type 2 on the Enneagram?   For someone who believes in the Unity of Mankind, isn’t it a wonderful attribute to have such a common blood type?

To me codependency is like bland cheese neutralizing the opinions and ideas of mankind.  Ire is never allowed into any conversation with active codependency nor is confrontation.  Instead a burbling cauldron of slow and steadily burning irritation is created when unspoken words and feelings are swallowed, ideas are squelched and opinions are exhaled to the breezes.  The more cunning codependents find passive-aggressive outlets to cut away the ties that bind them.

The only way out is for us to recognize when we are being codependent with someone or that they are being codependent with us but of course it takes two to tango. What movie do you really want to see?  What do you really want to eat tonight?  What would you rather do with your time this afternoon?  Such seemingly benign answers that can become frozen from the plaque-like growth of our codependent ways.   Oh I suppose there are more acute traits that one can posses such as socio-patho or psycho-patho personalities that can cause severe harm to others. But similar to how one falls to sleep and ultimately dies from over-exposure to the cold, so can the best parts of us go to sleep and die from over-exposure to codependency.

I was so dreading blogging this post about codependency until I thought about the Comedian Rachel Feinstein doing a bit about the codependent and it made me happy. Very happy.

It’s okay to be “one of many” if the YOU are the ONE who speaks up for themselves….just in a non-aggressive way of course!