I can only imagine what it must be like for all the momma’s who have had to wait for their baby to be born for nine months.  I hear the last month is especially the hardest because nature is working on both of you (mom and baby) to get the hell out of dodge (or the uterus as it were).  I bring up this example because it was the first idea that popped into my head when I began thinking about this blogging goal of mine to write 365 blogs in 365 days.  All I can say is that this baby is going to be one BIG ole baby by the time it is born.  Or maybe not because it’s actually being born everyday with each new blog so scratch that!

Today what I can report to you that I am learning or becoming aware of in keeping my commitment to write everyday is that I’m having to go deeper and deeper inside of me to come up with thoughts and feelings that I  am having.  I often wonder if we all have this many thoughts and feelings as I do, because I seem to have a lot but it may be the special condition of a writer too. Writers tend to walk around with a constant dialogue going on in their heads and if they’re lucky, they find a release for it through words when they’re writing.  This process must be the same thing for artists, dancers and musicians as well. I know that scientists have this condition because I remember when my friend was in grad school for chemistry sometimes he would stay up for days working on experiments because his brain would not let him sleep (okay so maybe he had some diagnosable something going on too but let’s stick to creativity for this article!).

Anyway, back to the point of this blog which is to see our goals through to their birth (or not to give up during the birthing process).  In the world of goals, I feel like I’m in my 7th month of pregnancy.  I won’t give up because I made a commitment to God, to you and to me to blog everyday but I sure am having to stretch more than I ever have before when it comes to writing

‘ll leave you with five tips that have helped me during this process, I hope that you will find them helpful:

1.) When you make a goal, write it down and if possible let enough people know about it (or the right people to know about it) so that you feel (and therefore will be) accountable;

2.) Read. Read. Read.  You can never read too much.  You wouldn’t believe the amount of books I read each week, partly because I love to read and partly to prepare for interviewing authors on www.blogtalkradio.com/hope42day.  There are some excellent posts on line as well such as The Huffington Post, www.alltop.com, and www.mashable.com;

3.) Make a commitment to work on your goal for a specific amount of time or purpose and keep this commitment no matter what;

4.) Pray a lot, even if your atheist, pray to your mind and to the unknowable vast universal force for support, help and “allowing”;

5.) Find time to do nothing at all (I meditate but if you’re not in to meditation than just sit still and be quiet) for at least half an hour each day if not more;

I want to hear about your goals so that I can support you and cheer you on…what are you committing to do today?

I’m pretty sure that if I had been tested way back when in elementary school, I would have been diagnosed as being ADHD.  If memory serves me right, I’m pretty sure most of my report cards had notes that said, “talks too much” and “does not follow instructions” and in my later school years it progressed to “disrupts the class”.  I carried a whole lot of shame around about that but it never stopped me from exhibiting my outrageous behavior. I just kept impulsively talking and acting out.

Fast forward many years, lots of therapy, 12-step groups, spiritual spelunking, good nutrition, herbs and medicines and today I’m happy to report that I am finally able to “pause when agitated” and most of the time think before I act.

This afternoon on my way to class when the policeman pulled me over for going ten miles over the speed limit, I couldn’t even work up to a good resentment. I pulled out my driver’s license and insurance card and said the requisite, “no sir” when asked and went on my way with a ticket that will have to be paid before Christmas. Merry, Merry.  I’m willing to look at this as an opportunity to watch the speed limit and pay attention to what is going on around.

In my “Creating Spaces” class, as the professor began to softly tell everyone what assignments that we needed in our notebook by Monday after the holiday, I could feel the surge of fear rising up like bile in my throat and began to panic that somehow I had not followed instructions carefully and I would have points taken off for not turning in the correct assignments.  After the first 20 minutes of sitting there and finally realizing that the Professor would get to me when he could, I began to work on some window designs for my model.  It then occurred to me that everyone else’s assignments were more complicated looking because they were more complicated.  At the beginning of the semester when we all picked the “problem set” we wanted to focus on for the class I just happened to have chosen the easiest one which was color.  My four examples have been made for weeks now.  All I have to do is create the labels for each to affix to the foam core board and I’m done with that assignment.

There would have been a time that in either of these situations, my impulsive nature would have surely gotten the best of me.  In the former example, I would definitely have had some controlled rage at the officer for having dared to pull me over and in the latter one, I know I wouldn’t have gotten this far in the class–I would have definitely bailed.  Three students out of our small class did withdraw which was the best choice for them to make. For me, I had to see this class through because I could see there were some life lessons that I’ve been hitting head-on and dealing with and I tend to believe that when life lessons come along you either deal with them now, or deal with them later.  Might as well learn ’em now!

One of my best friends who always explores the coolest avenues in life for getting to know herself better, went through RC or Re-evaluation Counseling (http://www.rc.org/) My understanding of RC Counseling is it is a modality to help you release the distress from the past.  I think about what I learned from my friend when she would cry at the drop of a hat when she felt sad or let herself express her anger when she felt angry instead of pushing them down or away.  I found other avenues for release work that I believe have helped me in the same kind of way because now when thing happen like getting pulled over for a ticket or not understanding instructions–I only feel the feelings for what is happening in the moment and do not grab onto all kinds of stressful experiences from the past.

When we clear out our past we empty the gas tank for impulsive reactions that we either can’t control or aren’t able to control very well.

I’ve also never been as old as I am now (in this life at least) so there’s that too! Age does have its benefits in terms of softening the edges sometimes of things that used to sear into my soul when I was younger.

Have you noticed if you’re impulsive and if so, how does that show up in your life?  When are you contemplative and in what situations?

I know for sure that I have two strong personalities that speak up with their opinions inside of my head all the time. Take the Thanksgiving holiday for instance. On the one hand I really do love to be around friends and family and feel all the love that we can with each other but then on the other hand I question whether Thanksgiving in the U.S. is just something that the marketing geniuses of yore dreamed up to get us to purchase and prepare feasts of food and then begin spinning our wheels for Christmas?

You know what? It doesn’t matter, not really. Whatever the case, it’s always a good time to find things that we can be grateful for in our day. Helps me keep things in perspective because believe me, I can find plenty of reasons to feel pitiful.

My sponsor/mentor one time had me write ten new things every day for two weeks that I was grateful for which immediately put me into the panic of thinking about my lists because of the perfectionist lurking inside of me. What I discovered is that I had nothing to worry about because there were plenty of things for me to be grateful about.

Here’s my list of ten things I’m grateful about today:

1.) Whoever is reading this list. You matter;

2.) Having a fantastic long run today and still being able to walk after sitting through a movie (Megamind-It was great);

3.) Having two clean dogs because my husband washed them today. They are very happy canines and we are very happy humans.

4.) That I made two sample windows for my model today for class and I feel pretty good about them.

5.) For my mom and step-dad and father and two brothers and two sisters-in-laws and nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles and cousins. Have a lot to be grateful for in this arena even if we all do live miles apart.

6.) That my husband still wants to sit on the same side of the booth with me at restaurants and then asks me while we’re waiting for our check if he had told me lately how beautiful I was.

7.) For so many good friends. I am so blessed for each of you.

8.) For my run-dog, Paul-Paul and my chair companion, Reality. Paul is laying right next to my chair as I type this and Re-Re is keeping David company in the bedroom.

9.) For all my kitties even though they’ve been playing chase and banging up against the garage door this evening.

10.) That I’m sober, abstinent and crazy-free for the most part.

11.) For my health. I won’t ever take that for granted.

12.) For my connection to the God of my understanding. Thank you for not giving up on me.

What are you grateful for today?

I know two sets of friends who are going through bloody hell in their marriages right now.  Their deepest fears, secrets and dripping dark worries have wormed the way through their lives and turned them into total upheaval.   I have another good friend who is going into her 7th week of intense chemotherapy and is losing her hair but is grateful to have her art studio all unpacked and ready for her to begin creating again.  I’m grateful that I am able to enjoy and appreciate many qualities and wonders in life that money can’t buy.  It’s easy for us to forget that there are actually many things that we can enjoy that money cannot buy.

I try to remember what is good in my life especially during those times when I can be easily seduced into believing that I have nothing.  This evening for some reason that is unexplainable, within an hour of each other, the back half of the sole/heel of my clogs broke apart and I ended up walking on my toes in my shoes to stand in line for Harry Potter.  There would have been a time when I would have let that ruin my whole evening, but instead I ignored it and enjoyed seeing the movie with my husband and friends. Besides, now I have a real reason to visit the Zappos website tomorrow and order a pair of shoes! A few years back I started noticing that the great divine order that I believe runs our lives makes things happen so elegantly that many wonderful things often times go unnoticed.  Sometimes that can look like having really good health and the energy to appreciate the nip in the air and the sunshine on your face.  Other times it can be sharing really funny times with someone like I did with my husband last night. We are such dorks together sometimes and last night was no exception when we got into the hot tub and in spontaneous unison began saying, “heeeeee, hooooo, haaaaaa” and mixing it up perfectly landing on the same version each time (like a verbal rock, paper, scissors) and then cracking ourselves up by introducing into the mix “huuuuuuu”.   Okay, we’ve been together 20 years and to still laugh our heads off with each other is such a nice gift.  I don’t want to ever take that for granted.

There are also the postcards of life that God sends us all the time and if we’re paying attention, we capture them and keep them for safe keeping to enjoy now and again.  Like this morning, the Paul-dog ran to the window in the kitchen and hopped up on his hind legs doing the bark that means that there are KIDS outside of our house (God forbid!).  Well, one of our neighbor’s sons who is about 9 years old with white blonde hair was taking out the trash can to the curb (the trash can is about as tall as he is) and he had stopped and put his hand on his hip to look down our driveway at Paul ferociously barking at him in the window.  The whole scene was pretty cute and probably wouldn’t mean much to anyone else but I kept it as one of God’s postcards.

So, yes, there is some really dark stuff that goes on in our world but there is much more good also going on if we will take the time to notice and appreciate it.  Those are the kind of things that money can’t buy which is why they can be even that more enjoyable to us if we’ll just take the time to see them.

Seems simple doesn’t it? Like of course we’re giving love and caring to those around us, duh!! But really, sometimes the last people we think about are those people that we’re used to seeing day in and day out. Today was a really good day for me it’s nice and sunny in Austin, Texas but it’s also amazingly cool, like in the 50’s in the morning so it makes for incredible running weather. Had a great 5-6 mile run and then was off to my favorite hair stylist (the incomparable Elly Wood at Sophie’s Garden Salon). I ran some errands and was on my way home when a very good friend of mine called me with some soul quaking news that she had been digesting and processing over the last few days. All I could do was hold her over the phone and let her know that she was loved and there was a lot of help out here and although life really sucked right now for her, shed’ get through it.

I felt that balloon bubble of tears at the bottom of my heart swell out for my friend and at the same time I felt grateful to be able to feel even though I was sad and that I have my life in order enough that I can be there for somebody to lean on. That’s a good feeling for someone like me considering a good part of my twenties I spent leaning on a whole lot of people.

I’m reminded that there are many of us walking around out here that have our share of burdens to carry. I sometimes forget that although I learned quite thoroughly a number of years ago when I entered the 12-step programs that “you are only as sick as your secrets” that there are many people who live in the constant fear of their secrets being found out. I also know today that our secrets can also hurt those people who we love by our omissions. There are so many good avenues for finding help with our burdens today but we have to be willing to do the footwork to find the best routes for ourselves. My journey began at the end of the 80’s when I really felt like I was losing my mind and I got the name of several reputable therapists and interviewed several before I found “the one” who I had a connection and that I trusted. I saw her for several years and then stumbled into the 12-step programs of AA and Al-Anon through friends. I also explored all kinds of spiritual beliefs, meditations, faiths and ways of healing. For me, exposing my ego and helping myself to evolve became my spiritual destiny.

And yet, it took me a long time to get to the point where I would ask for help. We humans are very good at creating all kinds of neurotic diversions to facing the truth within ourselves. It takes real courage to reach out and do something different.

In Don Miguel Ruiz’s (http://www.miguelruiz.com/) book “The Mastery of Love” there is a beautiful prayer for self-love that I highly recommend reading. A couple of sentences that feel especially poignant to me today are as follows, “Starting today, help us to love ourselves so much that we never set up any circumstances that go against us. We can live our life being ourselves and not pretending to be someone else just to be accepted by other people. We no longer need other people to accept us or tell us how good we are because we know what we are.”

Love yourself most especially and remember to give a little love to those around you.

“The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.” – Michelangelo

This quote is so painfully fitting for me that it helps me to know that it came from Michelangelo.  One of the tools I learned to use with clients through the Success Unlimited Network was that of helping people differentiate their goals. There is a whole process leading up to figuring out what your goals are and what I love about it is knowing that there are different kinds of goals.  There is your garden variety “anytime” goal, which is a goal that you could pretty, much accomplish at anytime in your life, such as choosing a nutritional diet plan to follow.  Then there is the annual goal, which is more specific and usually bigger than an anytime goal such as writing a book. Some people have many anytime goals and several annual goals and when they do, I suggest that they write out those goals and specify if they’re anytime goals and when they’re annual goals to specify the years for each of those goals.

Then there is the big mammer jammer goal of all goals.  That is the goal that makes you kind of get sick to your stomach a little bit just thinking about it.  That’s the big lifetime goal.  In my past, I’ve thought that I had a big lifetime goal but actually I realize now that they’ve just been annual goals.  I don’t think I had the courage to aim high for a lifetime goal. I have a real diversion to failure and a real fear of imperfection.  It keeps me aiming low and feeling disappointed rather than entertaining the possibility of success because of the overwhelming fear of failure.

The good new is that I think I am inching towards having a lifetime goal, it’s not quite gelled yet but it is becoming more evident the longer I’m in school. When I first returned to school as a “non-traditional” student in the fall of 2008, my only goal was to finish my Bachelor’s degree.  I have an Associates Degree and I have two Professional Life Coaching certifications that prove that I have passed 175 hours of classes and have x amount of hours of coaching under my belt and all these are worthy certifications but I still feel unsatisfied.  Now that I’m half-way through the school process, it is dawning on me that I want to really focus on what I want my education to be for future employment and even more than that, getting a Masters as well.  I think I’m in the midst of crafting a position for myself that doesn’t even exist (or if it does, I haven’t heard of it yet) and I am pretty sure I am going to cobble together some kind of a double major—I’ll keep you posted

I know I love to help people, I know I love to inspire people and I know that I enjoy writing, speaking and entertaining.  And as life would have it, while figuring out where and how to focus my degree plan I am simultaneously getting to learn what voices in and outside of my head to pay attention to along the way. Oh believe me, there is a bevy of them:  “you’re too old Lynn, you’re being selfish, how can you make money that way”…etc. etc. etc.  How many times do I need to read and hear about some of my heroes in life who have gone for what they dreamed about doing and/or being and have accomplished it in spite of the odds?  Can you imagine how different our world would be if some of these people based their actions on these negative voices?  What if someone had laughed at J.K. Rowling’s idea for the Harry Potter books that she first wrote on a napkin AND SHE HAD LISTENED TO THEM?

The fog is beginning to clear from my head so that I can see further where I want to go and who I want to be. It’s not completely in focus yet but it seems to gain more clarity the higher I aim.

Where are you aiming these days and what are you doing to help yourself get there?

I’ve written to express my feelings, thoughts and ideas since elementary school.  I did crazy stupid things with my writing like in 8th grade I listed every single guy in the entire junior high school that I even remotely had a crush on and then added it to it in front of some really snarky girls in math class one day who grabbed the list from me and teased me mercilessly.  The good thing from that experience is that I wrote my very first poem about the 8 headed snake called gossip.  Bless my heart.  I also learned NOT to write down lists like that….and if I did…to certainly keep them well hidden!

I know that a couple of my good friends and me during our freshman year in high school wrote absolute tomes to each other in the way of notes.  What the hell were we writing about and why did we think that someone else would be interested in seeing what we wrote? Nevertheless, it was a way to get our thoughts on to pages and pages and pages!

I don’t remember writing a whole lot in high school probably because of the “list” trauma from 8th grade and the fact that I lived in a dorm full of girls. I kept my writing to myself. Then in college, I started back up again mostly in the form of my own version of slam poetry and usually after a few glasses of wine.  Throughout my twenties I kept books and books of poetry that I wrote.  Some of them were “false starts” until I got the sputtering of words out of my system and a really great poem would just fall out of my brain through my fingertips on to the page with some kind of cohesion. I still look back on those works and know that something else was working through me.

It wasn’t until my thirties that some friends and I realized that we were all writers and so we formed our own kind of writing group.  We supported each other in our processes. One friend had been published but could almost not bare for anyone to see her writing. Another friend was so good at seeing situations and reading people but getting the words down into a cohesive form was even more painful for her.  There was a core group of three of us that met consistently for fifteen years with various people joining us and leaving.  I am still good friends with one who joined us for a little while and then left because our group wasn’t really focused on writing at the time, we were more focused on working out our issues and she wanted to write!

I learned so much about my writing self in this process.  I never thought of myself as a novelist.  I’m astounded by really good writers who write reams of pages in the form of multiple books.  For one thing, I could never figure out how the authors kept track of all the details.  So when one of the group members began working on a novel and brought her notebook full of details to our meetings, I loved watching her process and seeing that, for her, putting together a novel was much like working on a patchwork quilt so that all the pieces were special (and not just the whole end product).  I also learned that I really like to do the kind of writing that I do–whatever this is that I am doing right now–and that it was always a good idea for me not to compare myself to my other writing group friend who wrote expository writing with so much flair and deep insight about what was going on with the people and situations she observed.

I’m glad that the powers-that-be inspired me to blog 365 blogs in 365 days because for the first time in my life it is helping me to be consistent with my writing. Now each of my blogs may be very different from the next and my writing may drive some people crazy because there doesn’t seem to be a focus….but I assure you there is a rhythm to this madness!  My intent is to help other people see themselves and what is possible and to have hope for their future through my being open about all kinds of processes!

For the longest time I wanted to be some kind of an inspirational/comedian speaker/writer until I watched an episode of Dexter recently on Showtime. Dexter is about a “good” serial killer who channels his need to kill into killing other serial killers.  This season he has stumbled upon a nest of serial killers who have banded together and it looks like their leader is an inspirational speaker.  I guess the speaker does not have much if any humor in his speeches so that should be the first clue that something is off but this whole idea has put a chill to my wanting to be an inspirational/comedian speaker.  I think I’ll just stick with writing for now….

Writing, writing, writing.  It’s something I’ve always had a need to do and have been looking for a structure to write within, for right now, blogging is a great way for me to do it.

How about you?  What’s inside of you that you have been waiting for the right place and time to allow it to unfold?

There are some people out there who are doing amazing things out there; wherever “there” is, right?  A graduate student, in Social Work came to visit our class today and shared with us his experience of volunteering for the Peace Corps for two years in Mozambique, Africa.  Wow!  I remember hearing about Peace Corps volunteering my first go around in college many years ago and it is still just as amazing and invigorating for me to listen to stories from someone who is willing to go live in a foreign country with people they do not know and make such a difference for so many lives (least of which is their own!).

When our graduate student friend went to Mozambique, he did not speak Portuguese. He was matched with a family that spoke only Portuguese so that after about 6 months he could communicate the basics and definitely after a few cases of health care forms, he learned some of the basic vocabulary words necessary to get around. None of the PC workers had places to stay with running water etc. so our friend had to learn how to bathe using water out of a large pot.  He eventually figured out how to create a spout by having a welder, weld together a basic garden spout to a pipe so that he could have a nice warm (5 minute) outdoor shower.

He said the people in the village where he lived ate very healthily with fresh vegetables and that he learned to cook some really tasty food.  He shared stories of learning how to negotiate around the politics of how the village ran through the friends he made there and in turn he taught them how to respond to grants, etc.  He contracted malaria twice and said that if you ever hear that “malaria is just like getting a really bad case of the flu”…it’s not true…it’s much worse!  He was able to get to a medical center and get the pills for Malaria (for free).  It was interesting and heartbreaking to listen to the HIV/AIDS statistics. They’re very high as you can imagine and there is medicine available but there are two big problems that prevent people from getting the help they need: 1.) There are many health care “workers” but only 2 doctors in a very large region and 2.) The shame of having to admit that you are or may be sick with HIV/AIDS prevents many from reaching out for help.

I would like to think that I have a brave enough part of my soul that would enable me to be a Peace Corps Volunteer but I don’t know if I would have what it takes.  Luckily, I have a few younger friends who do have what it takes and who are about to begin the application process so I’m looking forward to experiencing the PC life vicariously through them.

Some people are doing really amazing things out there, who do you know that is up to great things that you would like to know more about what they do?

I hate to admit it, but it seems to be true that the older we get the more we get stuck in our “ways”!  Sundays are usually my day to completely hang out at our home (unless I go to fellowship) and to sleep in, read the paper at my leisure, go for a run, and catch up on homework and chores (like ironing while watching old time movies).  I know it’s really not very jazzy but it makes for a nice Sunday.

This afternoon we did something different.  We went to hear our friend Dr. Lenora Waters (who is the President of the Sanctuary Choir) sing in the Annual Musicale of the Ebenezer Baptist Church (http://www.thestoneofhelp.org/).  This was foot stomping, head shaking, body moving good ole Gospel music at its finest for sure.  Even my Jewish husband was tapping to the beat of the band.  If I didn’t already have a strong faith tradition, I’d be talking to Lenora about how I could join the choir for sure (they didn’t have quite as many altos as sopranos).  I felt like walking on air when we left the church.  We would have joined everyone for refreshments afterward but we had dinner to eat and dogs to let out at home.  A good time was definitely had by all and very nice people at Ebenezer Church for sure.

That’s just a little example of what you can do that is totally different just because you can. One of my friends is dating a guy who likes to build and fly powered parachutes (http://www.easyflight.com/). I don’t think I’ll ever work up the courage to experience one of those but I have been promising my friend Bill that my husband, brother and I would take him up on his offer to go up for a ride in his glider.  Flying in a glider has always had a sense of fascination for me.  Bill has told me many an amazing story about going up in his glider with other gliders and catching the currents for long periods of time when they can.  And to think that I have gone through a few years in my life where you pretty much had to knock me out with really good drugs just to get me on a commercial airplane, but I think gliding would be different for me.  At least I’m willing to try.  Might put on a pair of Depends before we go up just in case.

It’s good for us to step out of our “comfort zones” now and again and experience something completely different from our usual routine if for no other reason then to remember that we humans tend to be creatures of habit and it’s good for us to break up the routines.

Routine doing can lead to routine thinking which is not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s probably good for us to shake it up now and then just because we can.

What is something totally different that you’ve done lately?